tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central January 4, 2017 2:07am-2:36am PST
>> trevor: that's our show for tonight! thanks for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> have you thought about new year's resolutions? >> i have. >> you're kind of an anti-resolution guy. >> i don't really do it. i always live my life to the very fullest. >> yes, you do. >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, and you're still writing 2016 on your checks. so stop that. 2017, you guys! our first shock, 2017! very exciting. ( applause ) yeah. 2017. no one die. please no one ( bleep ) die this year, please!
we all know mark zuckerberg as the billionaire founder of facebook whose unsettling lack of facial emotion inspired rogue one's c.g.i. for a while, zuck's facebook profile identified him as just another godless atheist from the silicon valley of the shadow of death. but after he wished everyone a "merry christmas and happy hannukah" last week, someone asked, "but aren't you atheist?" and zuck responded, "no, i was raised jewish, and then i went through a period where i questioned things, but now i believe religion is very important." ( laughter ) well, yeah, of course, he believes it's important for people to put blind faith in a long indecissable text. he meade facebook's terms of service. and swruk said,"let there be no dick pick postings. since we now know that mr. facebook has found the good book. what do you think happened to mark zuckerberg that made him change his mind? he found out tom from mispay was also eighthest.
>> he had a baby last year, so i'm getting it's because his wife finally let him put it in the good hole. ( applause ) >> chris: hang on! hang on! these are all good holes! doug benson. >> maybe he changed his ways after seeing what happens to the zuckerberg character in "bat van v. superman." >> chris: yeah, that's probably-- >> right? he goes a little-- he gets a little nutty there and probably decided to pull back and change his glaiz yeah. point. first up, audio quiz. >> audio quiz. >> i said that! >> chris: this is the sound of a very exciting al roker, take a listen. >> two for the price of one. that's fantastic! yes! yes! oh, man!
>> chris: comedians, what made al roker lose his ( bleep ) more than the time he ( bleep ) his pants at the white house. that's a real thing. look it up. was it two dogs surfing or a two-for-one special at al's local happy ending massage parlor? doug benson. >> oh, no! i love the two-for-one special. i'd like to know what's going on in al's neck of the woods. but i would say two dogs surfing. >> chris: the answer is always two dogs surfing. take a look. >> two for the price of one! >> oh! >> oh! >> yes! >> yes! >> aaaah! happy new year! next all i want for christmas say working monitor. a lot of people may not remember new year's eve, since discount champagne and 2016 rage don't mix, but lots of stuff happened. jenny mccarthy was cold!
people in times square didn't pee for 12 hours. and mariah carey performed-- or, rather, wandered around onstage mumbling instead of lip syncing because of technical issues and so forth. ♪ ♪ snow we belong together baby ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> happy new year. >> am i high, or was that flawless? ( laughter ) >> chris: 100 points to doug for that. no one has ever been as dedicated to a job as those backup dancers. you can almost hear them with
the feathers, "keep it together, kevin. this is why you unit to juilliard! i think they should have cut away and let the lawnmower fill in. >> yes! yes! >> yeah! >> i'll have what the launch mower is having. >> chris: after mariah's live tv flub, me would you want the dick jokes ryan seacrest handled it flawlessly. >> no matter what mariah does, the crowd absolutely loves it. you can't go wrong with mariah carey. and those songs that everybody knows. >> chris: and how about those lyrics that everyone knows, except for mariah carey. ( applause ) s that some negligence help lipt objection expub-- that is some
next-level, expert-level spin. but so, comedians, how else could seacrest have given her performance a positive spin? >> you have to hand it to mariah. she's probably not a racist. >> chris: points. doug. >> she can shoot somebody in the middle of the street and everyone would still vote for her. >> chris: points. laurie. >> she still has both her boobs. >> ( applause ) from "hidden america" on seeso and "mystery science theater 3000" coming soon to netflix, it's jonah ray. >> wearing a t-shirt of his teenaged self. her new hour special "45 jokes about my dead dad" is streaming now on seeso. laurie kilmartin.
( applause ) and with 400 points. judge of "the high court" series premieres monday through thursday beginning february 27 at midnight on comedy central, doug benson. ( applause ) >> that's not going to be confusing at all for all my high fans. be sure to watch "the high court "at midnight after @mistimichellexo. and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars. the hol draiz over, and they're dead to you. and we're all getting back to real life. no more cookies for every meal, no more waking up with eggnog hangovers, and no more masturbating to sexy gingerbread men. enough, already, enough! >> come on, one more night! >> chris: decorate that
cookie. but even though the carols are all gone, we can still sing our hearts out until our upstairs neighbor complains about the noise. that's why tonight's hashtag is #wintersongs. some examples might be "pour some cocoa on me" and "blizzards in paris." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. doug benson. >> cold for teacher. >> chris: points. jonah. >> cold plays yellow snow. >> chris: points. laurie. >> baked like an alaskan. >> chris: points. doug. >> rhythm hybernation. >> chris: points. jonah ray. >> frostbitten twice shy. >> chris: points. doug benson. >> zamboniimony. >> chris: points. laurie kilmartin. >> found dead in the norwegian woods. >> chris: points. jonah. >> hypothermia killed the radio star. >> chris: points. >> girl, you'll be a snowman soon. >> chris: points. doug. >> ain't to proud to eggnog. >> chris: points.
finally, laurie. >> pin ball blizzard. >> happy birrrrrthday to you. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> points. send us your #wintersongs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet of the day from our last hashtagwar was sent to us by @tbd. hi, i'm paul
why pay twice as much for only a 1% difference? we'll take this one. can you hear that? (vo) don't let a 1% difference cost you twice as much. happy holidays to you and your family. for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint today. visit sprintrelay.com library break! shhhhhhhh. have a break, have a kit kat! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to
"@midnight." it's time to play "t.r.l.d.s." ( applause ) one glimpse at youtube will show you that mormons know how to have a good time. it turns out when your church restricts you from filling your time with caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, pornography, premarital sex, movies with swear words, or badmouthing utah, there's literally only one thing left to do: make parody music videos. i'm going to show you a mormon song parody, and for 250 points, i want you to answer a question about it. this cringe-worthy mormon spin on the ol' internet classic "gangnam style." ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: i am so upset. i am so upset.
what did he say? he said, those chicks are so hot "you can't go gay." is that what he said? >> gaaaaaay. comedians, how could he go gay? howct he go gay? doug benson? >> i think you just have to read the right pamphlet. >> chris: i guess that's it. >> you just got to learn up on it. two people come to your door and they want to tell you about it. >> chris: yeah. >> show you how it works. >> chris: yeah. lori. >> go on a mission for two years in a foreign country with your male best friend. >> chris: points. ( applause ) >> he could go gay by being honest with himself for one. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: next up, this katy
perry parody-- or this katy parody. shut up! about the ladies at brigham young university. ( laughter ) >> chris: they say, "you can party with us." comedians, what do you think happens at their parties? doug? >> i think a layer might come off. >> chris: points. laurie. >> surprisingly, anal. ( applause ) >> chris: points. >> chris: finally, i know you you wanted it so here it is, this hot take on adele's "hello." ( knocking ) ♪ hello it's us.
we were wondering if after dinner you would like to meet to go over our beliefs ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) displi gl what would you say if these guys came to your door? jonah? >> shotgun sound. >> chris: points. laurie. >> ♪ gone, it's saturday morning i drank a lot ♪ i'm really tired get off my goddamn porch ♪ >> chris: points. doug giwould invite them in and introduce them to some lotion and a bucket. ( applause ) >> chris: points. that's the end of "t.r.l.d.s." it's time for our live challenge, "modest is hottest."
( applause ) i love everything about hip hop music, except for how it encourages women to behave so sexually, to shake their ass while they watch themselves and to drop it like it's hot. i never! well, luckily, these virtuous mormon rappers are here to encourage women to cover up already. gee wiz! here's the fire af track, modest is hottest! ♪ looking pretty fine i've been look her way because there's nothing exposed. >> chris: oh, you guys. i-- i love the reservoir pups. comedians, all the song is missing is a sultry r&b breakdown about those ladies who know how to keep them not dumped out. so i would like you to write one of those.
and we'll have your answers after the break. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"! tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the "@midnight" twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. @dampishsky, @mistimichellexo, and @wwefrontrow. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪
♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. ♪ ooooh oooh. i really did save hundreds on my car insurance with geico. i should take a closer look at geico... geico has a long history of great savings and great service. over seventy-five years. wait. seventy-five years? that is great. speaking of great, check out these hot riffs. you like smash mouth? uh, yeah i have an early day tomorrow so... wait. almost there. goodnight, bruce. gotta tune the "a." (humming) take a closer look at geico. great savings. and a whole lot more. you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready.
( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you a mormon hip hop track about loving modest women, and i asked you to write a sultry r&b breakdown to women who keep covered. let's see what you wrote. jonah, let's start with you. >> okay. girl, before we get down, i got to know with the secret planets and magic underwear are we closer to christianity or scientology? ( applause ) >> chris: doug benson. >> hey, girl, read this pamphlet while i give this guy a handy. ( applause ) >> chris: laurie ♪ ♪ >> hey, girl, i'm a girl, too. we're not supposed to do this. let's marry the same guy and pretend we're sisters.
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: all right. i'll give-- this is going to be good-- 1,000 to laurie, $500 to doug and 250 to jonah ray and it's all even now! be quick on the becausers. it's time for "celeb improvement." plaiz celebrities are just like us, except that when they make a sex tape, it's a multi-million- dollar career boost, and when you do it, you get fired from mailboxes etc. ( laughter ) but we all need to be better in 2017, so i'll show you a picture of a famous person and tell me what their resolution for 2017 is. first up, taylor swift. doug benson. >> she's going to have a low-key
year. by that i mean, she's not going to date anyone who has played locky. ( applause ) >> chris: next up, justin bieber. >justinbieber jonah ray. >> justin bieber is going to stop, hopefully, just stop. >> chris: next one, emma stone. laurie. >> she's going to get her eyes smallenned. ( laughter ) >> i think it's called eye reduction surgery. >> chris: no, it's called smallenned. >> you hit him at biggens. >> chris: points for laurie. last one, jay-z. doug benson. >> he's going to resolve to do whatever the ( bleep ) beyonce tells him to do. >> chris: all right, points. very good. >> chris: that's the end of "celeb improvement."
laurie kilmartin, you are just barely in third place. i'm so sorry. diewf any last words? >> thanks for having me. >> chris: thank you for being here, laurie kilmartin. that means it's time-- >> i'll walk out. this is unprecedented. >> chris: turn on the red light. where are we? >> i don't know. i never feel this. ( applause ) >> chris: that means it's time to head for the hills. it's "for the win"! ( applause ) the hollywood sign-- one of the most iconic landmarks in los angeles-- it wasn't me. we'll get to that. i don't know. are we sure? there is a-- there was a sketch-- a sketch artist drew a sketch of the person that they claimed did it. >> what? >> chris: there it is.
yeah. over the weekend, our city's most sacred monument was defiled. someone changed the hollywood sign to say hollyweed. we'll look out for the world's only ambitious stoner. honestly, truthfully, there's only two ambitious stoners, either canned beor kevin smith. one of those two. but hollyweed is the best possible thing you could have changed that sign to. in 2017, there's no shame in going for the silver. comedians, i want you to show me what the hollywood sign could say.
♪ (cat meows) ♪ (snap) ♪ (cat meows) sheba® perfect portions™. what cats want™ ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." jonah ray's parents are in the audience, so we brought them up here. ( applause ) must have been a rough birth. i am going to wipe your scores
clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answers allowed-- >> not in front of jonah's parents. >> chris: it will suck for youifies if your kid doesn't win. before the break, i told you how a lone prankster changed the hollywood sign to say hollyweed. i asked you to come up with your own improved version of the hollywood sign. let's see what you came up with. first one, please send water! ( applause ) ( cheers ) or number two. holly-marijuana. ( cheers and applause ) who was number two? oh, no! doug benson. i'm so sorry this happened in front of your parents on national television! how will you ever come back from this? what a wonderful victory doug on